i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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