Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
