I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
