mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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