I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
