Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
