I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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