I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
