I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I can't trust your balls anymore.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize