A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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