She announced her abortion via fbk
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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