I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize