Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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