During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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