Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
