Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
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