my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
