Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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