i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
