I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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