No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
