you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
