I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
