we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
