Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
sex in a hospital.. check
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
