no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
