Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
