Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Can Purell be used as lube?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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