I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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