the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
