Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
