Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
