mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
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