i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
