i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
