I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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