I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I enjoy the company of your penis
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
