Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
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