I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
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