I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
A+ Viking dick
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
we should paint friendship bongs
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
