I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize