fuck your aforementioned shoe
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
