I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Randomize
