I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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