Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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