Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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