I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
