a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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