Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Rumble strips road head = magical
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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