I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
