You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
