I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
