I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
