I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
