my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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