so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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