Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize