Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
if only i could text you this smell
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
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