yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
